a letter to one of my favorite youtubers
June 20, 2020
I’ve watched MommyTang since I was a junior in high school, back in 2016. She was recommended to me by a friend who claimed that MommyTang’s sarcastic personality mirrored that of her own mom. This time period intersected with my “vegetarian” phase, so MommyTang’s simple vegan recipes and chaotic lifestyle with four young children really drew me in.
Her videos resurfaced in my YouTube feed at the peak of the COVID pandemic, right around when my dad was recalled from working abroad in China. At this point, I had also returned home and spent my junior spring semester of college back in my childhood room. Our household suddenly doubled in size as Mom, Dad, my brother George, and I relearned how to live together as older individuals who had tasted independence. In her “I am no longer…” video, MommyTang shares her raw thoughts and fears as a recent divorcee. I’m not sure if it was the time of night, or seeing life unfold for an Internet personnel that I’ve followed for so long, but I felt a strong urge to write her a response letter. Here it is below.
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Dear MommyTang,
It’s 4am here, and I find myself completely in tears after watching your “I’m no longer...” video and Last Love vlog. I’m not even sure where to begin, there’s so many thoughts floating in my head. I’ll start with my parents’ story.
My mother immigrated from China to America after the Tiananmen Square shootings. She was pretty fed up with a system that valued ideology over people, so she packed everything at age 28 and left with heavy debts and loans from friends/neighbors. She was also a bit of a romantic idealist, being a big bookworm, and dreamed of a perfect husband and perfect marriage.
My dad also immigrated from China, but before that, he met a girl during his undergraduate studies in Nanjing. That girl became his first wife, and they had a daughter out of college. My sister Linda is beautiful and strong, I wish I could give more specific adjectives but I’m still working on getting to know her. My father and his wife moved to Canada a couple years later to pursue graduate studies and establish a stable home. They left Linda with her grandparents back in China, a decision that didn’t come easily. Five years later, Linda moved out to Canada with them, but their marriage hit a rough patch. I never had the heart to ask for more details; I can’t imagine what it was like signing those divorce papers. Legality seems like the biggest bullet, even when you’ve mentally accepted that your person is gone. My dad is my rock, but before that, he was Linda’s rock. I realized after meeting her that even rocks crack. They can’t anchor everyone, but that didn’t make her love him any less.
Eventually, life brought my mother and father in the same physical vicinity. They married out of practically, Mom wanting to become a mother and Dad wanting a chance at a family again. They started our little family at ages 36 and 42, respectively, a little old by traditional Chinese standards. But then again, Dad had already broken Chinese tradition by going through a divorce. He was just happy to have a family again.
I wish I could say that things went lovey-dovey for us, that after all the heartbreak and immigration hardships my parents faced, life owed them a good love story. It didn’t. My parents fought with increasing frequency throughout my elementary school years. I think the thing I’ve noticed with fighting in unhealthy relationships is that after the first few, you get comfortable arguing. It just got worse year by year until cold wars and yelling became our norm.
As a child of a marriage that didn’t go smoothly, I grew up with parents that stuck together despite absolutely hating their situation. I also saw how much it ruined my mother, and how much it hurt my father for the second time in his life. Children pick up very quickly on everything their parents feel. I was 7 the first time law enforcement came to our house to de-escalate a situation—I’m guessing right around the age of your second or third daughter—and it still breaks me sometimes to this day. I guess I’m trying to say that I lived the other pathway of your life from your children’s perspective, the path where my parents stayed in an unhappy marriage. It sucked. Nearly every day was a reminder of a love that didn’t work. I used to wish that my parents would just divorce, and it would end everyone’s unspoken suffering. But now that I’ve grown up (I’m 20) and moved out, I’ve learned to deeply appreciate the decision my parents made. Like you said, everything a parent instinctively does is out of love for their children; whether that was right or wrong, I forever acknowledge that they did so with me first in mind, and themselves second. I know that one day, your children will come to the same conclusion as me, despite having lived the other path. We are blessed with mothers and fathers like you.
The circle of life is so absurd. I see everything that didn’t work out in my parents’ relationships, everything that I don’t want to replicate, but then I realize that the amount of effort or planning we put in doesn’t always equate to success. And while I got many stomach knots listening to your “I am no longer...” video, I absolutely bawled when it came to you Last Love vlog. I cried because I realized how much I’ve matured. I want my mother to find her Last Love, and my father, whether or not it’s in each other. I also wish this for all my friends and their families. I went through many cycles of denial, frustration, anger, and jealousy during my teenage years in regards to my parents’ relationship. But growing up in a shitty situation doesn’t mean we should lose hope for our future selves and for everyone else. Thank you for spreading this positive message even when you’re down. You are so selfless and such an inspiration to me.
With love,
Alice