late night musings with august
June 7, 2022
Alice: Do you ever have this sinking realization that you have full control over how good or bad of a person you turn out to be? And that even though you tell yourself that the bad sides of you are inevitable or “just a phase,” you in actuality know what you're doing as it’s happening? I think it’s a very human thing to acknowledge our imperfections, but it’s a shade of evil to admit to wrongness in real-time and still carry forward. I’d excuse myself for being a kid in those moments but only adults really know. Only adults are capable of spreading calculated unhappiness.
August: I think many people excuse their “bad” actions by blaming something or someone else. And maybe they’ve gotten to a point where they can convince themselves of that, too. You say something enough times and you’ll start to believe it- like brainwashing. You yell at your partner, but you tell them it’s because you have borderline personality disorder and you apologize afterward. Then you do it again, and you claim the same thing. And again. And again. To a point where your partner is so used to being yelled at and you’re so used to yelling at them that it’s become toxic. But it’s just your mental illness... right? I think no matter what, we know somewhere in our bodies if something isn’t right. Whether that be an intuitive feeling, a moral feeling, or a thought. It’s scary to realize that the only person to blame for your actions is yourself, but it’s also comforting. Only you have the power to be evil; therefore, only you have the power to change that way of thinking.
Alice: There is a reaction to every bad action. What if your partner yells back? Or worse, what if they just take it? It’s hard to recognize where they went wrong, but it’s harder to recognize where you went wrong. And it’s one hell of a task to apologize without compromising the integrity of your anger. But maybe that’s what the antithesis of evil is—trying to change, when you don’t fully know what is good and what is bad
August: But what is good and bad? What if you don’t think you’ve done something bad at all? What if prior to yelling at your partner, they did something/said something horrible to you? Is the yelling warranted? Or is it still bad because no matter what, it shouldn’t be okay to yell at your partner? To apologize without compromising the integrity of your anger. That’s SO interesting because often times, people will apologize just to escape the argument.
Alice: I guess to think that you’ve done something bad, you need to either a) see through your partner’s eyes, or b) have really fucked up. Come to think of it, a poorly done or poorly time apology can be really selfish. And the connotation of escape… holy frick, implies that you never resolved the problem in the first place
August: I think it’s super easy to be selfish in that situation, on either end. On one hand, it’s selfish to apologize and try to make your partner feel bad or forgive you immediately. On another hand, it’s selfish to accept that apology knowing that it’s disingenuous.
Alice: Regarding a disingenuous apology— how many cycles of fight + make up is considered disingenuous? Toxic, even? There’s a fine line between knowing something is wrong and allowing yourself to hope for a better outcome in the future. But isn’t that what we’re taught to be the lasting foundations of any relationship—between lovers, parents and children, siblings, friends—that you keep choosing them even if you’re hanging on by hope and not truth?
August: How much are you willing to sacrifice for the happiness of yourself? If you’re keeping said person around, it must be for a reason. Hope or something else. Do you really love them and hope for something better- some ideal world where they’ll stop yelling and the relationship will stop being toxic? Or do you stay with them for selfish reasons?
August: I go on Instagram rn and the first thing I see is a quote on a picture saying, “Happiness is not by chance, but by choice.”
Alice: Lol insta summing up my mental cartwheels in one short quote on a wallpaper background
August: *laugh react*
Alice: But what about those relationships that we are conditioned to believe as unconditional? I.e. family, blood or chosen? If someone raised you, or helped you unlearn something you wouldn’t otherwise have accomplished, and you’re obligated to stick with them long after your ideologies have begun to diverge? And you don’t want to think of it as an obligation because they stuck around for you in your ugly moments…
Alice: OK GOOD NIGHT AUGUST ILY I must arise early tomm thx for the Ted talk
August: GOODNIGHT ALICE